Brian37 AKA Brian James Rational Poet…… My Poetry

Nothing More To Do

Nothing More To Do, By Brian37 (AKA Brian James Rational Poet on FB/META and @Brianrrs37 on Twitter/X)

Forever in that cold, sanitized
Examination room we waited
After the obligatory poking, scanning

You’d been that soldier, trench master
With your other surgeries
And your mobility issues

Always a Phoenix, rising, out of adversity
Nobody expected less, yet your frustration
Was clear, your discomfort and pain an irritant

We thought, there will be something
Something they can do, and then
He walked in, that face, is something you

See and know, and my chin went low
Suddenly looking at the ground
Then up and all around

It was a risk/reward thing, but here’s the thing
My mom was that trouper, over many times
And it could only be her decision

Inside my head silently screaming
“PLEASE MOM, PLEASE, KEEP TRYING”
This time not to be the case, she was done

Done with the dry veins, and blood drawing
Done with the lack of mobility, losing
Her independence, and always depending

On others. Done with being woken up
Every hour from beeping noises, and nurses
Taking vitals, and medicine regimens

Tired of being hauled out of bed
Like a boat in a marina, and no
Scooter to transfer to on her own

And still I screamed in my head
“PLEASE MOM, PLEASE KEEP TRYING”
But truth is I would be lying

Lying to myself, that she could
Continue to rise, and I’d be selfish too
I wasn’t the one going through

All that pain and discomfort, it was her
Every fiber in me screamed
“PLEASE MOM, PLEASE KEEP TRYING”

And it was heartbreaking, when she
Finally answered, “No” when asked
If she wanted more treatment

It was like a grenade going off
In my chest, my body wanted
To go limp, I wanted to crawl

Out of my skin, as I was holding her hand
As I listened to her words, “Send me back
To the nursing home”

She wasn’t giving up, she simply felt
Like a decommissioned officer
Battle warn and ready to retire

And between that diagnosis
Her decision, and last heartbeat
She was only concerned about me
(end)

This poem is about my late mother Jane. When we went last time we thought this would be something easy to cure her with a pill or something, but they said it required more surgery, and she declined. She had simply gotten tired of her quality of life declining. She was a very independent woman and that was most of her decision. She was also tired of the pain too. She was very stoic in her last days. I was told by her nurse after she passed away that she constantly talked about me after I went home for the night, and how much she loved me, and wanted my friends to keep an eye on me because she knew I would be devastated. That was 6 years ago. I still deeply miss her. She was my biggest support my entire life.

Brian James Rational Poet.

3 responses to “Nothing More To Do”

  1. Oh, Brian, this is absolutely heartbreaking and so, so sad. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this with the loss of your mum. I can only imagine how painful this must have been for you both at the time. It sounds like your mum was exhausted from trying so hard to be okay. It’s totally understandable that you wanted your mum to go on despite everything. She was your mum, your only mum, and you must have gone through agony watching her deteriorate with her illness. Six years is no time when it comes to grieving.

    I lost my Mum six years ago, too. She had a stroke and went from being a fit, able, and independent woman to losing the use of one side of her body and couldn’t walk, feed herself, swallow, talk or smile. She lived for four months, and I wanted her to go on fighting, even knowing she would never get better. Eventually, she contracted double pneumonia and died. I miss her every day because, like you, we were so close, and she was my only rock throughout my life.

    Again, I’m so sorry for your loss, Brian. I hope time will, in its course, begin to heal your heart. Take care of yourself tonight, my friend x

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • I was in a deep depression for 3 months after her death. But my friends helped me through that. I occasionally get teary eyed about it. But the other thing my mom would have never wanted is for me to spiral to my own death because of depression. She wanted me to be happy. Now I can also look back on fond memories and smile. That is my therapy too.

      I know how you feel with your mom and her stroke. It is hard to see someone decline and lose their independence.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • It’s natural to get teary or upset even years after losing our mums. I understand the depression that followed your mom’s death. I’m so glad you had friends around you to support you. I’m sure your mom would be happy to know you were coping with life more healthily and that you can now have fond memories of her and you in the past.

        With my Mum, I think I struggled with Anticipatory Grief before she died and after her stroke made her almost a different person. It was so terribly sad to watch her deteriorate like she did. Two weeks before her stroke, she was out in her garden mowing the lawn, raking and sweeping, and being totally independent in her home. It was such a drastic change. I think because I experienced grief before she died, I found it very difficult to grieve after her death. I cried at her funeral but not since then. I was thinking of writing a post about her life before and after the stroke. I’m currently waiting for another therapist as I feel I haven’t dealt with losing her. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, so I guess it’s never too late to seek help to explore and come to terms with this. Take care, my friend.

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