Angry And Jealous

Angry And Jealous, By Brian37 (AKA Brian James Rational Poet on FB/META and @brianrrs37 on Twitter)

The pair of you, dwarf me
You cheated me, of more
I am angry at you two, for

For I will always adore
Admire and be sore
That I couldn’t be there for

When that hour came
When that urge was too much
When you couldn’t go on

Whatever it was
I wasn’t born, I was too young
I couldn’t save you, I am also jealous too

Your words are perfect
You don’t mix “accept” and “except”
“Their, there, or they’re”

If you had dyslexia, I’d never know
You were both pros, everyone knows
One in the kitchen, one in the garage

You’re lives, a mirage, extinguished candles
Once burning bright, subject to dark voices
That lurked inside

And people stumble on my attempts
Many laugh at them, or pity me
And pat me on the head

I hope for some parallel universe
Where you’re both still alive
Where I could join you

If I commit suicide. It would be
A pretty one, full of tulips
No cutting of unions

And wanting to die? Not anymore
We’d all be in that cab, looking for a bar
And for you Anne, you’d be Doreen

And have a swear jar, Bedlam’s bell
Sylvia would ring for us all
The three of us, would have a ball

But I am not joining you
Anytime soon, I have more to write
About my own plight, but I do thank you

For daring to be open, and everything raw
I am angry and jealous, you made your fall
That reaper’s last call.

This is my expression of admiration and sadness of both Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton. I am jealous of their mastery of the syntax and spelling and proper use of words. I have always struggled with it an still do to this day.

I also identify with being suicidal, so that really makes me my own worst critic of my own flaws. I don’t need people to beat me up, I do fine all by myself.

It is hard for me to imagine why they did what they did, they both had so much going for them, and they certainly didn’t have the L.D. A.D.D. I have. But that isn’t what mental illness is about. It affects everyone from all social and economic backgrounds, and getting some things right in life, doesn’t mean all of your life is perfect.

I envy both of their talents, and am angry that they didn’t stick around to write more. But also not angry in that you should never judge mental illness or those who commit suicide. So while I do use the word “angry” in my title, it is more of a non judgmental frustration that life has this dark side, and not an indictment on them.

It is an anger in the sense that life has really sucky things in it that happen. If you are suicidal, call a hotline, trust a friend, talk to someone, call 911 if you have to. You are not evil for having mental illness, you are not broken for feeling suicidal. But I can say, I would not be writing this now, if I had been successful the first time. I am glad I stuck around.


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